“I don’t want to talk about it, but the quiet might be worse”-Sabrina Song “Thaw” Official video
Powerful lyrics, so reflective of the times we live in. A long emotional winter.
“Emotional Winter” photo by Raymond Roy
Personally over the past year, an increasing number of my relationships, typically after “Speaking my truth” have grown cold and I have literally run out words to say. Left only with the heavy dense fog of silence residing in what seems to be ever widening gaps.
I recently heard that in Vietnam, there is a saying, “before you speak your mind, wait for seven heartbeats” (perhaps a lesson to speak from the heart rather than the mind). I suspect the isolating truths I spoke were not from my heart but rather from my mind(ego). As Tolle puts it so well in “The Power of Now”, Egos win when they convince us to focus on the mistakes of our past and the worries of the future. Living in the present moment is the ego’s nemesis.
In the present moment, neither the past nor the future exist……
By design we all need to feel loved, be treated with kindness, and dignity. We need the warmth of an emotional Spring. I am ready to “thaw” by striving to live in the warmth of the present moment and stand ready to count to seven in order to speak from my heart, and not my mind. I hope you’ll join me.
My Doctor recently retired, I was under his care for 20+ years. I appreciated his demeanor and willingness to listen. After he would listen to me, out of mutual respect, it was my turn.
Right on cue, his facial expression turned to that of a muse. He would raise his finger and politely ask, “if I may share something” and then skillfully weave his medical guidance with relatable anecdotes and carefully selected metaphors.
He had seen me through years of anxiety management, from Zoloft, Paxil, therapy and today, happily, anxiety med free.
On the topic of alcohol he called it, “The Great Deceiver”. He mused, “alcohol may momentarily numb emotional pain, but it doesn’t address the source of the emotional distress..” I filed this away in my brain housing unit under the category: “Hmm, I might have to think about that”
Recently I read Malcolm Gladwell’s “Talking to Strangers “in which he presents the theory of Alcohol Myopia (short sidedness). My interpretation in layman’s terms was an alcohol induced “tunnel vision” where depending on YOUR individual state of mind(happy, depressed, angry, adventurous, etc..), as you enter “the tunnel”, will effect your alcohol induced experience.
I grew up around alcoholics and had a front row seat to a wide variety of drunks, kind, angry, racist,loving, deceitful, and the list goes on..I always wondered why alcohol effected people differently and to me, the “tunnel vision” theory makes perfect sense.
Not to limit my position as simply being a spectator, I can speak also from personal experience. I have drank my share of alcohol and can attest to many of the theoretical effects of alcohol myopia.
I look at it as if you are going on a ride at an amusement park. Step right up folks! What’s it going to be tonight?
Enter the Happy, Celebratory Ride: Enter the tunnel happy, excited. Who doesn’t love a good wedding or celebration. Next morning: man what a great time! Memories made for a lifetime.
The Cocky ride: Feeling cocky going into the ride and the beer muscles appear. You feel invincible. I still have a busted up nose as proof.
The Lonely Depressed Ride: Enter sad, lonely, perhaps self loathing.Next morning: Low self esteem is even worse than before. This can become an endless cycle, and the rider simply wants to numb the emotional pain..
The Anger Ride: Enter the ride mad at the world and watch out to whomever is in front of you. I saw this first hand as a kid. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
The Racist Ride: I had no idea that the person I was with had racist tendencies until he was drunk, and started shouting racist epitaphs at the middle eastern taxi driver.
The Empty Promises Ride: I experienced this as a kid, yeah yeah we will go fishing, next day, had no clue they even said it.
I am not condoning or discouraging alcohol use and any clinical psychologist’s out there please chime in.. After reading about alcohol myopia and the fact thatalcohol doesn’t change, it makes sense that a key factor of your alcohol experience depends on your state of mind and environment while consuming.
1979: Protest folk music was dying down and Disco had reached its peak.
“Begin the day with a friendly voice, a companion unobtrusive” blasted through the vibrating buzz alarm of the 1960s turquoise clock radio. (Time for school) “Spirit of Radio”by Progressive Rock band Rush Lyrics by Peart Neil Peart that is, aKa The Professor
Photo Source Pinterest
“If you choose not to decide, you still have me a choice” “And the meek shall inherit the earth” “Conform or be cast out” Prophetic words to pubescent outcast teens, proclaiming Peart understood. It’s been a year since Neil’s passing, RIP Professor Sept1952-Jan 2020
100 Words
Photo credit Rolling Stone magazine
Thank you Professor🤘🏼-Goroyboy
This was written for the photo prompt for Rochelle Wiscoff’s Friday Fictioneers 100 word story challenge . Although not a traditional short story. Given the photo prompt of an empty drum set along with the appreciation I have for the artist/poet/lyricist, Neil Peart I found a tribute was in order. additional stories based on the photo prompt can be found here
Seeing those that have passed, my heart fills with love.
Gone is the weight of daily drama,
Which one is better, Trump, Biden or Obama?
Photo Credit: Denise Fullner Kittleson
I will rise,here souls have no gender, doctrine , origin, or race,
no conflict, hatred, color of face.
Time as we know it, does not exist, social media likes, or media twists.
I will rise, becoming stardust, from whence I came, free of life’s burdens, only love, no shame.
I will rise….
Revamped from an earlier version which I felt was timely. The peaceful pictures generously shared by friends reminded me that we will return to the stardust from whence we came.
I cannot speak for others but, I admit it, I want to be liked, and accepted.
I can feel anxious thinking of unresolved personal conflict with others when the relationship emotional bank account with that person is overdrawn, depleted.
What about reconciliation?
That takes commitment from both parties.
Admittedly, I have fooled myself into thinking otherwise, sometimes you CANNOT reconcile.
Unfortunately our polarized society would suggest a short sighted mindset that someone always has to lose.
What is left?
Breathe deeply and slow down for a moment…..
What is the alternative?
Harmony…. If there is power in kindness, harmony is the fuel that feeds it.
In my humble opinion, Living in harmony is quite simple:
Step 1. Recognize the others humanity
Step 2. Commit to living a harmonious life with or without them.
Step 3. Accept the possibility that you may never reconcile with that person.
Step 4. Accept the fact that others(even those you despise) have the same right to the pursuit of happiness as you.
“It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere“- Voltaire
Who among us doesn’t at least for a moment think the fool Voltaire speaks of, is someone other than ourselves?
We all have chains don’t we?
Chains come in many forms, pride, hatred, greed, spite, envy, These seem obvious as they exude evil.
But what are the “revered” chains Voltaire spoke of?
May I propose they are the shackles of codependency, and physical and/or emotional abuse? Why don’t victims break free of these bindings?
Unfortunately, victims can be so beaten down that sadly this abuse provides a warped sense of security. Knowing that they (the chains) are if nothing else, always there.
Be safe and take care of yourself first so, you can care for others.
My senses suddenly become sharper,, ears feel hot, “tick…tock”..I hear a clock ticking nearby
Tick tock, tick tock
Survival mode, pupils dilate
Tick Tock…
Why is the door locked?
Tick tock…
I feel I should run but my feet weigh heavy like cinderblocks
Tick tock..
Under my loose fitting shirt, I feel a bead of nervous sweat run down my rib cage
Tick…..tock….tick ……..tock….everything is in slow motion,
I am terrified, Why can’t I scream?
Tick…..tock You manipulate me like clay..
Tick tock…Tick tock… tick tock… tick tock
If I say anything, I am a bleeding heart victim and an attention whore.
When you are a victim of abuse, you don’t always understand what is happening which IS one of the reasons many victims fall prey.Innocence. Especially children. You become frozen and confused.
Once you realize the brevity of what happened, guilt and shame set it….you feel alone. This is a lie.. You are NOT alone
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