Why don’t you text me back? Why don’t you call? Don’t you care about our relationship? In recent book that I recently read, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, by Micheal Manson, Manson played out an interesting scenario about relationships and value sets. As our nation’s polarization is reaching historical highs, Manson provided a real world example of why, “nobody is wrong”. It is not the typical “a matter of perspective” take that makes everyone right but rather understanding and respecting each other’s value set.
Back to the catch phrase “why don’t you text back?” Why don’t you call?”. The person that feels shorted/ignored in this scenario places high value on getting a reply and THAT REPLY is the metric by which they measure whether their friend, sibling,etc, cares about the relationship. Understandably, this person almost always responds right away. Why? Because replying is a part of THEIR value set. Take the person not replying, they may see things differently. A text/call may not be significant while something else might such as, face to face time. This person may go over to visit the texting fanatic and the texter sits in the corner preferring not to engage. With different value sets and the endless number of metrics by which they are measured, Manson suggests a step back to find a common metric that has significance to both participants. Value sets are based on the individual Identifying a similar value set and a common metric by which to measure it…you just built a foundation to build a relationship on. Taking off the rose-colored glasses, the “value set” (as Manson alludes to, is basically “what you give a F*ck about”.
Manson also suggests, boundaries may need to be drawn based on YOUR value set. Setting those clear boundaries, just as in Victim/Saver Click here relationship discussed in an earlier post, setting boundaries and makes people own their own problems in itself might be the ultimate act of giving.
So where are you going for Thanksgiving? When are you coming over for Christmas? Are you coming over for Easter?
As a man, I can understand that from a primitive standpoint, traditional gatherings are clan-like in nature. Similar to a wolf pack returning from a hunt paying homage by nuzzling the Alpha wolves of your pack, cementing each other’s places in the hierarchy and keeping the pack strong.
“A daughter’s a daughter for the rest of her life, a son is a son til he takes a wife”
As this poem so prophetically describes, I propose it IS the wife/woman that establishes family tradition. This is a great responsibility not to be taken lightly.
As the husband/male on the other hand, I see that my role is to support the traditions my wife is establishing as long as,
The intention of these traditions is to first and foremost keep our…
To feel loved is to have a sense of self worth. By nature we are problem solver‘s. Think about it. Much of our happiness (fulfillment)is derived from working through problems(at times big or small)until success achieved. The result is a sense of fulfillment. But what if we don’t have “big”problems or know how the identify our own problems yet yearn for that sense of fulfillment?
Enter “The Victim” and “The Saver”roles.
“Victims” constantly portray themselves as such so eventually some one will come along and save them so they can receive the love and attention they’ve always wanted.
The “Saver”, if victims are in short supply, influence those around them to become victims. The “Saver’s” toolkit includes: a large dose of pity party with a side of blame or shame.Standard phrases might include, “I can’t believe they did that to you” I have never heard of such a thing!” Just before the credits roll on the real life Drama, the Saver comes in to wipe away the fabricated “problems” while the victim is coddled back to recovery with painted on battle scars intact and by Gods own grace will live another day.
Victims and Savers use each other to achieve an emotional high. A breakdown in this type relationship is terrifying to both the saver and the victim alike. Now THAT’s a problem!
If the saver really wanted to help the victim they would encourage them to take ownership of their own problems and stop blaming others. That in itself is an expression of love.
Whether the problems are big or small is irrelevant,,its the individual’s right to assess the value.,but more importantly is setting boundaries, owning the problem, and respect boundaries of others
For the saver, let others own their problems and for the victim, take ownership of your own problems. Nothing is wrong with asking for help or offering help. If problem solving is a path to fulfillment, wouldn’t that make it selfish to try to take away someone else’s problem(path to fulfillment) without asking/respecting their boundaries?
Credit: Recently I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson. The idea of the victim and the saver contained in this book really rang true. Who hasn’t played the victim as well as wanted to be a hero? What was sobering to me was the subtle reminder given time and time again by my life partner I lovingly call “The Hammer”, “I don’t need you to solve my problem, I just need you to listen.