Why don’t you text me back? Why don’t you call? Don’t you care about our relationship? In recent book that I recently read, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, by Micheal Manson, Manson played out an interesting scenario about relationships and value sets. As our nation’s polarization is reaching historical highs, Manson provided a real world example of why, “nobody is wrong”. It is not the typical “a matter of perspective” take that makes everyone right but rather understanding and respecting each other’s value set.
Back to the catch phrase “why don’t you text back?” Why don’t you call?”. The person that feels shorted/ignored in this scenario places high value on getting a reply and THAT REPLY is the metric by which they measure whether their friend, sibling,etc, cares about the relationship. Understandably, this person almost always responds right away. Why? Because replying is a part of THEIR value set. Take the person not replying, they may see things differently. A text/call may not be significant while something else might such as, face to face time. This person may go over to visit the texting fanatic and the texter sits in the corner preferring not to engage. With different value sets and the endless number of metrics by which they are measured, Manson suggests a step back to find a common metric that has significance to both participants. Value sets are based on the individual Identifying a similar value set and a common metric by which to measure it…you just built a foundation to build a relationship on. Taking off the rose-colored glasses, the “value set” (as Manson alludes to, is basically “what you give a F*ck about”.
Manson also suggests, boundaries may need to be drawn based on YOUR value set. Setting those clear boundaries, just as in Victim/Saver Click here relationship discussed in an earlier post, setting boundaries and makes people own their own problems in itself might be the ultimate act of giving.